We have some larger families in our parish, and we know that the kids get a little less attention when the parents’ time is divided so many ways. We do little things like offer rides and really try to talk to them on the way- what did you learn today at school? And so on. We want to cultivate the types of relationships that if these kids have questions in their adolescence, we can be another trusted adult in their lives when they are inclined to dismiss their parents’ values. My husband does the same so perhaps that’s not parent-specific.
Once I was at a women’s conference on the Feminine Genius, and the subject of being a mother to all you meet came up. During the Mass, my baby was fussy so I went to the vestibule and there was a homeless man who asked where the food bank was. I ended up mostly ignoring the Mass to speak to him, and learned that he and his wife had been homeless due to a fire and needing subsequent medical care. I told him after Mass ended, I could connect him with someone at the parish who would have more information. He left and came back with his wife, and we gave them food for free. The sisters who run the food bank (on limited days) ran over and got them some more food and some blankets. I paid for the registration of the woman so that she could come in where it was warmer and hear the end of the conference talks, and she stayed afterward to speak to the priest. I could tell that one of the sisters (from a more conservative background and more familiar) was a little more jaded, but afterward she realized that in these moments we were welcoming this poor woman in as a mother might. She gave her jacket to woman to keep her warm, and I gave them some money to be able to buy a tent. They were clearly a couple in need of help, but we tried not only to provide for their physical needs but to make them feel welcomed and included.
When I lost my biological mother at the age of one, a friend of the family called Christel stepped in to support my recently widowed father. She became a mother to all of us children, and stayed with our family for over a decade until she was too disabled to help us because of MS. Christel was an important part of our wedding parties as we grew older and got married, and each one of our children became her grandchildren. She continues to be an inspiration to me that mothering can happen in deep and amazing ways without any biological connection.
My husband and I both love the way that being with a small child creates connections between us and our community. There is a local bakery that we visit regularly, for example, where one of the staff once drew a picture of our son on the paper bag for his order, and labelled it “croissant kid”!
I have to really disagree with the idea that motherhood should be considered “the” key characteristic and vocation of all women, however. Motherhood is one of my key characteristics. It is not my only key characteristic and it is not my only vocation. There is ample evidence in the historical record to suggest that positing motherhood as the single key element of fulfilment for women (spiritually or otherwise) can do great harm.
I direct a family shelter and when i started i was around the same age as our guests. Overtime we've lowered the age of guests and ive gotten older so im distinctly the age of their mothers... Them 22, me 42. I used to give a lot of direct opinions or advice, like older sister style, but me as mother is more of a listener, nudger, enforcer of as few rules as possible. I see a bigger picture now, 10 years into directing the place and i know i rarely get to give flat out objections and be heard, so i save them for big things. Mothering, in our context, is about elegant guard rails, clear yess and nos, frequently celebrating milestones, offering food and needed things. Id like to think ill be uniquely prepared to mother my own adult children after years of practice.
First, I’d like to empathize with your child-proofing efforts. My second-born is almost 15 months (but large for his age) and I consistently find him atop our kitchen table after dragging out a chair and then scaling it to explore what’s up there.. new adventures abound daily!
With regard to mothering, I’m lately intrigued by the keen power of observation or a “watching out for” mentality that seems dominant in the women of my life. Watching out for your friends on a night out, watching out for your babysitter walking to her car, watching out for kids so they don’t run in front of the line of swings at a park (in the past few months I’ve seen a few instances in which fathers forget to police this danger zone and mothers halt their swinging children to avoid collision). Obviously this is a generalization of the sexes...most women and some men are better at this forethought part of “mothering” than me, but I do notice it predominantly in women, whether biological mothers or not.
A piece to read in tandem to your reflection on life with small humans is this beautiful illustrated reflection on seeing the world around you with fresh eyes: https://substack.com/inbox/post/121200738
Provocative questions. Mothering is--sad that I have to say this--maternal. It stems from women as keepers and nurturers, as girding, indispensable helpmeets. In its most recognizable form, it is selfless thoughtfulness towards needs of someone’s body and soul together.
I have been mothered by women other than my mother many times. All of them have been connected to the church somehow. Hand clasps and hugs. Unexpected meals made and brought over, with encouraging words on my front steps. Handwritten notes sharing sympathy or camaraderie or both. The most poignant examples I can think of were of women literally tucking me in--one when I was a houseguest and the weather turned cold; that mother covered me and my sleeping child with heavy blankets while we slept (it was like magic to me; I couldn’t figure out how they’d appeared until I asked her in the morning). The other mother was watching my children at my house when I was ill, and she brought me a cool washcloth for my head, a bucket in case I needed to vomit, and a blanket, all without being asked. Maybe a man would have done the same thing, but there are social taboos involved with men caring for adults that aren’t relatives that women don’t have--which points to the womanly nature of motherhood, too.
I’ve mothered other children not my own, like feeding or changing or holding them, usually because the mom is dealing with another child, or with women in times of distress, like after a miscarriage or stillbirth. It is a great privilege to care for others as a mother does. Thanks for the thoughtful post, as always.
Hmmmm....I think I'm not much of a mother to others beside my students. And to them I'm possible not strict enough, I understand and pardon them too much.
My sister and I are sensing a shift within our birth families - we're becoming the ones that do a bit more mothering towards our elderly parents and relatives. That's new for us and takes some getting used to.
I simply don't have enough energy left to mother anybody else - maybe it comes from not being mothered enough. What would it be like to be mothered? Somebody who'd mother me would root for me, support me, be loving yet point out where I'm wrong. I don't get this combination anywhere, and I am so tired and would really need some mothering. Well, as they say, stand up, readjust your little tiara, and on you soldier! :-)
Does anyone else have problems accessing the debate link? I can't. Is it complete?
I'm also trying to decide how I feel about the use of aggression in the question. It seems both statistically significant but ultimately false. Watching as my son grows up makes me aware of the particular things I have in common with him that my wife doesn't--including things that seem to be gendered. We love to run and scream and growl together, for instance. But I also see spiritually healthy men who are, of their nature, very gentle--and spiritually healthy women who are, of their nature, aggressive.
Much of fathering and mothering likely stems from example and community with other fathers and mothers, responding to the conditions of the world around them. I'd like to avoid being too prescriptivist about any of this, and I don't think there is much value in simply sharing your own stories. As a father or as a mother part of the job is being unable to imagine what it is like to be the other, but to trust and appreciate that the other job unfolds in ways you couldn't expect.
We have some larger families in our parish, and we know that the kids get a little less attention when the parents’ time is divided so many ways. We do little things like offer rides and really try to talk to them on the way- what did you learn today at school? And so on. We want to cultivate the types of relationships that if these kids have questions in their adolescence, we can be another trusted adult in their lives when they are inclined to dismiss their parents’ values. My husband does the same so perhaps that’s not parent-specific.
Once I was at a women’s conference on the Feminine Genius, and the subject of being a mother to all you meet came up. During the Mass, my baby was fussy so I went to the vestibule and there was a homeless man who asked where the food bank was. I ended up mostly ignoring the Mass to speak to him, and learned that he and his wife had been homeless due to a fire and needing subsequent medical care. I told him after Mass ended, I could connect him with someone at the parish who would have more information. He left and came back with his wife, and we gave them food for free. The sisters who run the food bank (on limited days) ran over and got them some more food and some blankets. I paid for the registration of the woman so that she could come in where it was warmer and hear the end of the conference talks, and she stayed afterward to speak to the priest. I could tell that one of the sisters (from a more conservative background and more familiar) was a little more jaded, but afterward she realized that in these moments we were welcoming this poor woman in as a mother might. She gave her jacket to woman to keep her warm, and I gave them some money to be able to buy a tent. They were clearly a couple in need of help, but we tried not only to provide for their physical needs but to make them feel welcomed and included.
When I lost my biological mother at the age of one, a friend of the family called Christel stepped in to support my recently widowed father. She became a mother to all of us children, and stayed with our family for over a decade until she was too disabled to help us because of MS. Christel was an important part of our wedding parties as we grew older and got married, and each one of our children became her grandchildren. She continues to be an inspiration to me that mothering can happen in deep and amazing ways without any biological connection.
My husband and I both love the way that being with a small child creates connections between us and our community. There is a local bakery that we visit regularly, for example, where one of the staff once drew a picture of our son on the paper bag for his order, and labelled it “croissant kid”!
I have to really disagree with the idea that motherhood should be considered “the” key characteristic and vocation of all women, however. Motherhood is one of my key characteristics. It is not my only key characteristic and it is not my only vocation. There is ample evidence in the historical record to suggest that positing motherhood as the single key element of fulfilment for women (spiritually or otherwise) can do great harm.
I direct a family shelter and when i started i was around the same age as our guests. Overtime we've lowered the age of guests and ive gotten older so im distinctly the age of their mothers... Them 22, me 42. I used to give a lot of direct opinions or advice, like older sister style, but me as mother is more of a listener, nudger, enforcer of as few rules as possible. I see a bigger picture now, 10 years into directing the place and i know i rarely get to give flat out objections and be heard, so i save them for big things. Mothering, in our context, is about elegant guard rails, clear yess and nos, frequently celebrating milestones, offering food and needed things. Id like to think ill be uniquely prepared to mother my own adult children after years of practice.
First, I’d like to empathize with your child-proofing efforts. My second-born is almost 15 months (but large for his age) and I consistently find him atop our kitchen table after dragging out a chair and then scaling it to explore what’s up there.. new adventures abound daily!
With regard to mothering, I’m lately intrigued by the keen power of observation or a “watching out for” mentality that seems dominant in the women of my life. Watching out for your friends on a night out, watching out for your babysitter walking to her car, watching out for kids so they don’t run in front of the line of swings at a park (in the past few months I’ve seen a few instances in which fathers forget to police this danger zone and mothers halt their swinging children to avoid collision). Obviously this is a generalization of the sexes...most women and some men are better at this forethought part of “mothering” than me, but I do notice it predominantly in women, whether biological mothers or not.
A piece to read in tandem to your reflection on life with small humans is this beautiful illustrated reflection on seeing the world around you with fresh eyes: https://substack.com/inbox/post/121200738
Provocative questions. Mothering is--sad that I have to say this--maternal. It stems from women as keepers and nurturers, as girding, indispensable helpmeets. In its most recognizable form, it is selfless thoughtfulness towards needs of someone’s body and soul together.
I have been mothered by women other than my mother many times. All of them have been connected to the church somehow. Hand clasps and hugs. Unexpected meals made and brought over, with encouraging words on my front steps. Handwritten notes sharing sympathy or camaraderie or both. The most poignant examples I can think of were of women literally tucking me in--one when I was a houseguest and the weather turned cold; that mother covered me and my sleeping child with heavy blankets while we slept (it was like magic to me; I couldn’t figure out how they’d appeared until I asked her in the morning). The other mother was watching my children at my house when I was ill, and she brought me a cool washcloth for my head, a bucket in case I needed to vomit, and a blanket, all without being asked. Maybe a man would have done the same thing, but there are social taboos involved with men caring for adults that aren’t relatives that women don’t have--which points to the womanly nature of motherhood, too.
I’ve mothered other children not my own, like feeding or changing or holding them, usually because the mom is dealing with another child, or with women in times of distress, like after a miscarriage or stillbirth. It is a great privilege to care for others as a mother does. Thanks for the thoughtful post, as always.
Hmmmm....I think I'm not much of a mother to others beside my students. And to them I'm possible not strict enough, I understand and pardon them too much.
My sister and I are sensing a shift within our birth families - we're becoming the ones that do a bit more mothering towards our elderly parents and relatives. That's new for us and takes some getting used to.
I simply don't have enough energy left to mother anybody else - maybe it comes from not being mothered enough. What would it be like to be mothered? Somebody who'd mother me would root for me, support me, be loving yet point out where I'm wrong. I don't get this combination anywhere, and I am so tired and would really need some mothering. Well, as they say, stand up, readjust your little tiara, and on you soldier! :-)
Does anyone else have problems accessing the debate link? I can't. Is it complete?
I'm also trying to decide how I feel about the use of aggression in the question. It seems both statistically significant but ultimately false. Watching as my son grows up makes me aware of the particular things I have in common with him that my wife doesn't--including things that seem to be gendered. We love to run and scream and growl together, for instance. But I also see spiritually healthy men who are, of their nature, very gentle--and spiritually healthy women who are, of their nature, aggressive.
Still, curious about the debate.
This was a great post Leah!!!!
Much of fathering and mothering likely stems from example and community with other fathers and mothers, responding to the conditions of the world around them. I'd like to avoid being too prescriptivist about any of this, and I don't think there is much value in simply sharing your own stories. As a father or as a mother part of the job is being unable to imagine what it is like to be the other, but to trust and appreciate that the other job unfolds in ways you couldn't expect.